I have figured out why I am so strangely attracted to Jason. Jason is this metrosexual guy at my work. He works Front Desk, is some sort of economic major, doesn't have what I would consider a nice voice, has light brown hair and is a bit on the skinnier side. Definitely not the type of guy (physically) that I would go for. His personality is absolutely superb, but I am physically attracted to him. And so, I was trying to figure it out the other day and I finally have. He looks like David Gray! Well, I wouldn't say identical or even really that close, but he just reminds me of David Gray. I guess I'm bound to have some sort of odd attraction to people that remind me of David Gray, he is only the greatest person to ever grace this planet.

I am finding my struggle with school getting harder and harder as the time passes by. At the end of the semester I'm always so positive I can do better next semester, but next semester comes around and I am doing the exact same, if not a bit worse, than the previous. It's really driving me mad, because I don't know the first thing about how to fix it. I know I'm not stupid, I know I can do it... but the thing is, I don't want to. I don't want to write this particular essay at this particular time. Give me a textbook, give me four months and I'll willingly write you four 20 page essays... but give me a textbook and a whole bunch of due dates and I'll give you nothing. That's how I work, and I hate it because I can't succeed in this world that way. I need to change, I need to accept due dates and learn to abide to them. But how? I've made myself do it for years, but I think I'm finally just fed up. When I try, I get so frustrated that I can't really concentrate and then it's pointless. It's a waste of my time to sit there for two hours trying to start on something and not being able to concentrate on it, therefore reading the same paragraph over and over again, or writing a paragraph in two hours. Ah, I really want to pack my bags and just leave. Start fresh somewhere. But then again, I want to do this whenever frustrations get a bit too much for me to handle.

Besides that, I was reading an article last night at work, and it was saying that sugar is an actual addiction. I knew that it's sort of addictive, but I didn't realize that it releases opioids which are neurotransmitters that activate the brain's pleasure receptors. Addictive drugs such as heroin and morphine target the same opioid receptors. This was studied on rats and they found that after 21 days of high sugar diets, a 12 hour set back of their high sugar diet made them go into withdrawal, showing signs of anxiety, teeth chattering and depression. I'd say thats pretty intense. Also, diet drinks are just as bad as normal pop. Sure, the calories aren't there, which is nice, but your stomach can't tell the difference between aspartame and sugar, so when you're drinking a can of diet pop, your stomach immediately activates the pleasure receptors and then anticipates more sugary stuff to come down there - which is why you might be tempted to go for that jar of Nutella after drinking a can of pop. Mmm... Nutella. Today however, shall be my first of 5 days of not eating sugar. Apparently that's the average amount of time it takes for a sugar addict to get over their addiction. I'll see, perhaps I'll update regularly for the next 5 days to track how I feel without sugar. I'm already not liking the sounds of "no sugar". Perhaps this calls for some gym to take my mind of chocolate?

What was suppose to be a school related productive day today turned into everything but that. I spent way too much money at Shoppers today because I got way too excited about 20x the points. Spending that money put me into a buying mood, so I ended up buying movies - and lots of them. Great deal though, buy two previously viewed movies and get one free. So, I bought 6 of course. I'm way too impulsive at times. I basically went into Blockbuster and because I was in a movie mood I ended up wanting to buy most of the previously viewed. I had a hard time choosing just 6. Then I bought some more things and did some furniture shopping - well, I didn't actually buy any just looked around for what I will need to buy. Did some more layout planning for the house. Ended up being on the phone with people for a few hours figuring things out... then, I spent more money on stuff for Turkey dinner tomorrow. After that I met up with Amelie and spent more money. After that, I came home and ended up cleaning the house until about 20 minutes ago. Hmmm... yes, and it is now 10:30 and there is no way I want to do any school work. I want to watch a movie, perhaps clean my room a bit and listen to David Gray. I can't get enough of David Gray. It drives me absolutely mad how much I love his music. It also drives me mad to think of how much money I spent today...

The sexiest woman. And a very beautiful picture.

If there is one thing I utterly despise, it's feeling disappointed. I'd rather feel angry, depressed... whatever, but I hate feeling disappointed. I don't have a lot of hope or trust in things or people, and when one other thing or person disappoints me, it just makes life that much more unbearable. Now, I am not talking about the sort of disappointment you get when a friend cancels out on a friday night movie or forgets to call you. That sucks, but I can live with that. That happens. It's the bigger things - when a friend you admired proves to you that the friendship you had was actually really not anywhere close to what you believed it was, when the person you love loves someone thats not you, or when something you are proud of gets shut down, or when you realize that your hopes and dreams are so far that you have no idea how to reach them, or when a certain person or a certain event manages to make you feel worthless and ugly, or when a child who never knew happiness dies of starvation, or some idiot kills an innocent person - the very evil nature of humanity is a huge disappointment to me. Such things seem to happen all the time, and as time passes by, disappointments pile up so high I don't know what to do with them anymore. Right now I'm overwhelmed and I feel weak. It's all I can think about and I'm annoyed because its the first night my tooth is not killing me when I lie down, and of course, I cannot fall asleep. I think that's all I wanted to say.

While I am saddened by the fact that my 6 days off work will come to an end after tomorrow, I'm sort of, in a weird way looking forward to going to work. This is mainly because I feel like the past week has gone by way too fast. I've done nothing of particular interest, so other than last Sunday when a couple of friends and I went to Toronto, I have nothing to distinguish the days of the week. Not that work really help distinguish these days, but when I work, I appreciate my days off so much more, and such a long break has in a way taken that appreciation away from me. I'm sure by Wednesday at 5 I will want to take these words back, but that's still quite a few hours from now, so I don't want to think about it any longer.

I was reading someone's post today about being grateful and writing down 5 things that you're grateful for every day. I've been thinking about this lately. Happiness with the reality of my world, with myself... I've come a long way, I've developed greatly over the past few years and every change I have seen in myself is for the better (well, with the exception of my impatience). So, I've become better, stronger, wiser... and yet, sometimes I still feel lost, vulnerable, angry, irritated and just overall unhappy. But why? Sure, my life hasn't been the greatest. I've lost many people I've loved greatly, and things never seem to come easy for me... BUT, I do have things to be grateful for. I do have good things in my life. And really, when I think of it this way, my life seems pretty damn good. The hardships I had to endure have only made me stronger, and perhaps have also strengthened other parts of my life, such as friendships. When I think of it this way, it seems so simple, so nice... but it's hard to think of it this way all the time, because when I think of everything bad that has happened to me, it still hurts, very much. But not today. Today I am optimistic. Today I am relatively happy. Today... well, I wish today would not end for the next few days.

It's really weird how this happens... whenever I am extremely tired, tired to the point of nearly falling asleep while typing, I start thinking of so many things that I would like to write about. And when I'm wide awake, I sit here, staring at a blank screen and I don't feel like sharing anything. Sometimes I'm worried that at times like right now, I might not be coherent, but then I realize... who am I writing this for? Myself or you? Well both, really. But more so myself. By writing down thoughts, feelings, events... I help myself achieve this ultimate goal of mine. The goal of perfecting the knowledge I have of myself. Every word brings me closer to my goal, and so I write... but sharing some thoughts, even if they're unimportant in every way, is appealing as well. If someone reads my posts and enjoys them for one reason or another, that's a compliment to the person I am. So, although I hope to be coherent enough so that someone who doesn't know me very well can understand, I don't necessarily need to be 100% coherent, because I will understand what I've written any way.

Ah... I hate feeling this tired. I hate that unrestful, heavy feeling... where you almost feel nauseous because you're so tired. This feeling always reminds me of my Aunt wedding that I went to when I was 7. It's really weird, but whenever I'm this tired, I get flashbacks to that day. I suppose I must have been super exhausted or something. Weddings. That's something I want to write about... but not today. That's for a day where I'm sure I'm coherent. For now my best bet would be to go to sleep right now. Tomorrow, gym, class, stuff around the house and enjoying my last day off. Yeah, tomorrow should be relatively low key...

"Happiness is only real when shared."

I've watched Into the Wild a total of 5 times now, and I love it more every time I watch it. I recommend this movie to everyone, but especially Jono. If you're reading this and have not watched the movie yet, please do so. I think you will love it, and I'm sure you will find in it everything I do.

I am attempting a different sort of blog. One where I post decorating ideas, likes etc. I guess its a decorating blog then! I really just wanted a place where I can post all these ideas and items so that I have them all in one place, instead of all around my house and computer. So, if you're bored... check it out. I'll try my best to post on a regular basis.

http://whiteopulence.blogspot.com/

The place is all mine. =D I already have grand plans for it. I'm super excited!! But when the time comes to move, I'm sure I will be heartbroken to leave this place. This is home for me. I love this place dearly. So many memories in this home... bah. I hate having to move, yet I'm super excited about the new place. In the end, I hope it will turn out alright. If nothing else, living alone will sure be nice - I'll be able to keep my perfume in the bathroom! How exciting is that?!

Cheers.



Oh, actually, how about I share some of the furniture I will be buying for my new place? It's all IKEA, I know, but I can't really afford anything that's more expensive, so the big things will come from IKEA, but I accessorize with things from other places.





Those are the main things I want to buy, but I have a list of a whole bunch of other things to get as well. =D I get way too excited about decorating!